(OOC Note: As soon as Lachlan's player can get me the log, I'll be posting it the news story Jenny wrote)

Zach's God knows where. I knew I couldn't count on him to deliver for me.

I can take care of myself. Still, I'm putting myself at risk if I do this too often.

David's not working, I don't think. Maybe he'll be up for some harmless fun.

This had better help him kick it for good.

A week of caffeine induced waves. I hope he realizes what I'm doing for him.

He probably doesn't. He probably won't.

Fucker.

( 'I'll clean the street with you. Just a warning.' (David, Rochelle) )

He doesn't really think that. He can't.

I'm only doing it to help him I hate that I did thi I've done nothing devili

Everyone starts out as an asshole.

Everybody changes.

But we all stay assholes.

I took cookies to David today. Roxy wouldn't let me ring the bell and run, and I'm kinda glad she didn't. Josephine answered the door.

She's everything I thought she'd be. Witty, intelligent, pretty, and British. We have a little fun ragging on David, but I get the feeling she agrees with David about me on some points. Ignorant American and all that. But she wants to do lunch, or at least said she did. I told her to call me at the office (that feels so strange to write - I have a job!), so we'll see if she does.

I gave Roxy more cookies than I gave David. I don't want her thinking that I'm still hanging on to him, and I'm trying to let go all the way. But you can't just forget someone like that, even if they are a complete and total asshole. But I'm trying, Roxy. I really am. These things take time.

Oh! I ran into Rene earlier, and we devised a plan to get back at Craig for making a mess in my apartment when he exploded all the alcohol. And Uriko nearly tackled me on the street. I miss her, so we're kidnapping her for Christmas, and maybe Logan too. She's doing well in school, but I get the feeling she's not really staying out of trouble. I'll have to call her and have a sit down, sister-style.

Rene came back last night with Craig all dolled up in a maid's outfit, and I made him scrub long enough to take pictures, then let him do it the normal way. So today I have to make cookies for him so he won't hate me.

Sometimes I wonder if people would love me if I didn't feed them. People used to hang around because I made them happy with the waves and increased their high. Have I replaced that with food? Ugh. I don't want to stop cooking just to find out. I don't want to lose anyone. Especially Roxy.

I took David leftovers today. I don't know if it was a mistake or not. Rochelle was apparently more agressive than I thought last night and left me with a little.. love bite. David saw it, so know he knows. And told me about his new girlfriend. Josephine. Who he went to school with, and who is also a lawyer, and who is smart like him. And British. Of course she's everything I'm not.

I can't even remember what he said to set me off. Oh wait. He wanted me to make him happy, with my powers. I told him he wasn't entitled to that anymore, and he got all insistent. And then he said that leaving me was "great." What an asshole.

But I shouldn't have blown up at him like I did. Thank heavens for Roxy. If she hadn't heard my racket from next door, I think I might have had a heart attack or an aneurysm or something. But I'm pretty sure David hates me now. Even after I tried to be neighborly.

Maybe I'll bake him some cookies or something. And do the whole knock and run thing, leaving them on his doorstep. Lord knows I won't be able to show my face near him in a long damn time. I feel like such an idiot.

And Roxy. She helped me think of ways to destress, and gave me one of the best backrubs I've ever had. She never ceases to amaze me. I joked with her about liking her too much, which I don't think she took well.

I'm scared of things progressing. Not because she's a she, but because I don't want to get hurt again. I'm tired of hurting.

And ha. "Stressed" spelled backward is "desserts." And that means pie.

He wouldn't take the money. And he wouldn't take me back. There is another woman, but apparently she didn't come about until after he walked away.

I've been rejected three times now. The roof, the money, and the possibility of us every being together again.

I didn't mean to crawl back. I just wanted to pay him the money and go. But being in his apartment again, being around him again, brought back so many memories. Memories that I didn't want to lose. Now they are all I have left.

And now more paperwork. To sign the apartment over to me, it seems. I'm tempted to take it to his father, since he only said to take it to "a lawyer," but I won't. If he doesn't want me back, he doesn't want me back. I'll mail it to Mr. Robinson to take care of.

I'm so distraught. Why did I think there was hope? The street rat never ends up with the prince.

Fragile as a leaf in autumn
Just fallin' to the ground
Without a sound

Crooked little smile on her face
Tells a tale of grace
That's all her own

Spinning, laughing, dancing to
her favorite song
A little girl with nothing wrong
And she's all alone

If it were spring, it would be different. It would be ironic. Autumn is too cold, too lonley, and too introspective. The leaves die with me. Ah, Whitman. We are all connected, aren't we?

Yao was in Beacon last night. He was a kitty made of goop. He made me smile. I needed to smile last night. We shared our "skills," as he says, ate free Chinese food, and watched infomercials. He didn't have any clothes, so I have him a shirt and pair of boxers of David's. I don't think he'll keep the shirt, ven though I want him to. Having it around isn't helping.

( That damned shirt reminds me too much... )

It's funny. It would be so easy to run out and whore myself for enough cash to make my head stop spinning. To escape. But I won't. I can't. If I did, it would mean I was ungrateful. That he didn't save me, or that I didn't care.

I'm going to make Yao stay here while I go to Indy. I'll tell him someone needs to take care of Miau. But it will get him off the streets and put food in his belly. Ha. I want to save him. God help me.

Libby. I have to talk to Libby.

...Into the heights of love's rare universe,
Are chains of lead around its flight of fire--
I pant, I sink, I tremble, I expire.
-Percy Bysshe Shelley

David walked away. Away from me. Out of my life.

I had talked to Bobby earlier. That man is too nice for his own good. It's not my fault David's been distant. And how can he be surprised I would suspect he had found another woman?

I was an idiot to think he'd stay with me for any significant amount of time. Really, I mean, he's a high powered lawyer raking in all this money, and I don't even have a high school diploma. I'm some druggie chick he picked up in a library one day. If it hadn't have been for Rene getting in a fight with Zachery and walking past our cafe, would he have even wanted to see me again after that? After all, he asked about doing stuff with Rene even before he told me he loved me. Did he use me to get close to my Sunshine? Did he use me as a passing fancy? Something to indulge in?

If it weren't for me, he wouldn't have ever thought of using smack. He might have a better relationship with his mother. So maybe he's better off. Maybe I'm better off.

But he was my landlord. I didn't pay any rent, but I don't know if I can really keep living there at his expense. Credit cards, the apartment...everything goes back to him. Without him, I'm back to being that destitute waif that haunted the library and doorways.

I can stay with Rene and Craig, at least. And I hope to God or whatever is up there making my life hell that Craig doesn't hurt David.

I need to get a job. I need to move out. But oh God, what about Libby? She's paying "half" of a rent that doesn't exist. I have to tell her. Leave her a note or something. God.

...maybe if I do this, he'll start to miss me. Maybe he'll get sweet again. Maybe he'll put his shining white armor back on and be chivalrous again.

Maybe.

Fucking men.

I have to go to Indiana. Zelda died. And I was named in the will. I have no idea why. Zelda and I weren't terribly close, as far as aunts and neices go. She was always nice to me, though. I treated her like shit. She harped on me all the time about cleaning up my act. And I used to go hang out on her place a lot when I was a kid. It was so pretty there. Whitman would have loved it. I have no idea what shw could have left me. She had always been hopeful about my going to New York. She knew I couldn't survive in a place like Dresser. Zelda used to talk about me being a big fish in a little pond and needing to see the world and shit like that.

So I guess that's how they tracked me down. They looked in New York. Lawyers must talk to each other across state lines, because I don't know how else they could have found me. Everything is in David's name. The apartment, the credit card - everything. So they would have had to go through the firm. Which means either David or his dad told them where I lived so they could send the letter. And I'm leaning toward David Sr., since David-David didn't know about it until I showed him the letter.

And he says he's going with me. I didn't ask him to. He wants someone with my "interests" in mind there. Which means I can't bring Craig, even though I asked him first. But if his new/old job is keeping him busy, maybe he won't even be able to come. Rochelle is coming too, which I'm glad off. I can't be everyone's big sister. I need my own big sister sometimes. And she fixed my oven, which was awesome. I'll have to take her cookies.

The most disturbing thing is that David told me to call him and let him know what my plans are. So he can work it into his schedule. Like I'm just another client and not his greiving girlfriend. Ok, so I'm not really greiving, but still. It was very cold hearted. He's been so cold and distant, and the only explaination I can get is joint-bleeds. Why would you distance yourself from someone if you were in pain?

Craig looks better and better all the time. Except for the whole serial killer for hire thing. Am I really that shallow? I love David, I do. But it's starting to seem that he doesn't return those feelings. And I lose David, I lose...everything.

I met this guy in the park. Named Greg. There was something about him that was just amazing. Like my little white pill made into a man. Rene and David saw me after he walked me home. I think Rene knows, and David was definately suspcious. But what right does he have to get jealous when he's been so inattentive?

I'm insane.
The oven breaks, and so do I.
I mean, I knew that I was becoming a dependent person, but shit. I never thought I would be so dependent on a damned appliance.

Spent last night at Craig's. On the roof. It was nice to have someone next to me again.

Even when David was working on Zachery's case he was more attentive than he has been recently.

Is there something wrong with me? Oh god.

Rene got beat up. He was in the hospital.

David is being a racist asshole again. He was horrible to the Latino nurse and his African American wife. Who was pregnant.

And Eugenie was proposed to. By both Lockjaw and Craig.

I'm so pissed.

I am so more deserving of happiness than any of them.

I finally got David back, and he takes him away.

That bastard. But David is safe. Hurt, but safe. And Rene wouldn't let me force him out.

Zachery will pay for this.

Libby went to warn Craig. Craig wants to shoot David in the head.

The other day, David was all half-croc man and Zach came by and splashed gasoline at him, and got some on me. Then Rene showed up. I was scared at first, but it all got rather silly. Rene stayed that night, and David and I cuddled on the couch. I don't want him to die. I don't want anyone to kill him.

Oh, and Alex came by. She gave me some books. I think I'm going to take some pie to Sandlebrooks and give her a hand.

Maybe I can convince him to move out of the city. Fuck, I don't know. He wouldn't go. I just know it.

I think I'm going to try to make a cobbler with all these leftover apples.

...why am I baking so damned much?

Damn you Rene and your textile metaphors.

I made more muffins and took them over to Rene's a few days ago. He was working out with one of his plants. What an odd kid, but I still love him. Goofball. Then David came in. He didn't recognize me at first. He didn't blow up when he did, like I thought he would, but things got a little uncomfortable. I apologised. And I cried. And he ate muffins and held me. ...but not in that order. We worked out the Alex stuff, and Rene made us eat cheesecake. We're supposed to do dinner sometime soon. I guess that's still on after last night.

I was vegging on the couch after I got Miau back from Rene's. She didn't want to leave the other kittens. I'll have to take her there more often so she can play. Anyway, Libby came home. It's the first time I'd seen her in a while, even since before I left on my little haitus. She's got a job as a secretary. I guess it keeps her pretty busy. I pulled out the cupcakes I'd made earlier and we talked about what's been going on between me and David. She wanted to know more about Craig...and if I had slept with him. I broke down into tears. Then it got really hot, and smelled David. He burst through the door with one arm all scaley. I'd never seen him change that slowy, or that close up. I lost it, I guess. I didn't say much at all. Libby went all giggly and balistic with the cupcake pan, so I guess the "happy" was working. If you call it working. She smacked David in the head, and he fell and cut his non-scaley half of his head on the island counter. So yeah. Blood. Thank God Libby used to be a nurse. I can't do needles.

He's ok, though. Libby left after I slipped her Craig's address. Or rather, how to get to his shack of a house. David and I talked, and I spilled the beans about Craig trashing his apartment. But I didn't tell him about the...other stuff.

Now I have to come up with a way for David to "make Craig pay" that doesn't involve the court system.

On the bright side, David agreed to stay last night. I just needed something bigger than a breadbox to curl up against in bed. I'm so pathetic.

Yesterday Alex came by. She says that David used her as a pillow. That they didn't do anything.

I don't know what to think anymore. I need to talk to David.

And Craig ate all my damned muffins! I was going to take some to David, and now I have to bake a whole new batch. Augh.

And he's gone now. I guess he went home. But he didn't say goodbye.

Craig is staying with me for awhile, since I think it may be easier to get him to leave my place than it will be to leave him at his.

I called Rene and Mr. Brooks to meet them at the diner where Eugenie works. She dyed her hair purple. It's cute. I'll have to make her let me play with her makeup though. Make her eyes pop out.
Anyway, she had this plan for me to tell David that Craig and Eugenie trashed his apartment while they were drunk. She assured me that she and Craig would get through whatever David did in retalliation. But I dunno. With the trouble Craig has had with the law before, he really doesn't need a lawyer with a grudge against him.

Still, I need to talk to David. His dad is supposed to talk to him, and arrange a lunch meeting. Meeting. It sounds so cold. A month ago it would have been a date, and now it's a meeting.

I shouldn't have gone with him. I shouldn't have done those things. If I hadn't things wouldn't be nearly as complicated as they are now.

I went away again. Away from him. To think. But Tuesdays. Maybe Tuesdays will keep me sane. But it'll be dangerous. Risky. If he ever found out...I tried to warn him, but I don't think he took me seriously.

Gonna go to a cafe to read. Walt Whitman. He's fun, but kinda weird in his whole "in love" with nature thing. Makes me think of Evil Dead and tree-loving.

Craig is helping me disappear. It's wonderful how I can be so girly with him. We talked about hair, then he helped me dye mine after I straightened his. I really enjoy him, and what he does for me. Such a wonderful bedfellow. A listener, counselor, cuddler. I wouldn't call him a lover, because there hasn't been love in anything we've done together. Friendship, yes. So he's a friend.

Who'd have ever thought that 'serial killer' would be added to the list of people I hold dear?

( Speaking of holding people dear... )

OOC NOTE: A page torn from Euphoria/Jenny's moleskin journal is left on Rene's kitchen table, along with David Brook's credit card and keys to his apartment.

Rene,
I'm so sorry I have to do this. But I have to get away. Being so close is killing me. Please forgive me for dropping Miau off with you. Libby isn't too fond of her, and I know she'll do better with your kittens. And I don't want to even try to leave her at David's. Max'd kill her. I left his card and the keys I had to his place too. I figured he'd be asking for them back soon anyway.
Don't worry about me. I won't be stupid. I need to move forward, not escape.
You've been a wonderful friend, Sunshine. And so much more. Thank you for everything, but especially for understanding.
Love,
Jenny